I've been so caught up these past few months with the idea of going to graduate school, moving abroad and starting a new life that the reality of it all is just hitting me now. And its not a gentle tap on the shoulder, it's a full on slap across the face.
I woke up this morning in a panic, the sheets twisted all around me, applications and pamphlets strewn across the floor. I started thinking of all the details I'd previously filed under the "I'll deal with that later" tab--financial aid, paying off loans, moving costs, acceptance/rejection, application deadlines, test registration deadlines, forms, visas, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.
Suddenly, images of my strolling through Paris with books in one hand and a baguette in the other are replaced with me sitting in a hole, watching as a papers and deadlines pile on top of me until my vision goes black.
Regrets start to creep in--why didn't I work harder to pay off my debt? why didn't I apply sooner and to more schools? what if I am not accepted anywhere?
It doesn't help that I've been dreaming of moving to Europe for years. YEARS.
I know I should consider the realistic path and stay in Chicago for one more year, pay off all my loans and save for a move abroad. But just when I begin to convince myself that I can handle another year, that it will fly by, I see a photograph of Positano, or read a page from my travel journal and it feels like my heart will literally break into pieces if I stay here any longer.
I know exactly what I want in life, I just don't know how to get it.